DIVORCE: CAN A WOMAN REALLY FEEL HAPPIER AFTER HER MARRIAGE BREAKS UP? – July 5^th 2005

 

Yesterday, the Mail revealed how women cope considerably better with divorce than their ex-husbands. In the first two years after splitting up, 53 percent of women said they felt relieved compared with just 46 percent of men. At the same time, 31 percent of women said they felt happy, while only 22 percent of men echoed the sentiment. So are the finding true?

 

 

Tess Stimson, 36, is a novelist and Professor of Creative Writing at the University of South Florida. She divorced because of irreconcilable differences and lives with her partner of four years and  children aged 10, 7 and 2.

 

 

here is nothing so lonely as being locked in marital combat with someone you no longer love. In every failing marriage, there comes that clear, chill moment when you look at your spouse across the breakfast table and suddenly realise that it’s over.

 

And when the D-word is finally breathed aloud, relief is often your first emotion. That’s not to say it isn’t followed by grief, anger, betrayal and fear. But divorce rarely comes out of the blue. Even when one partner is stunned to be suddenly left by their spouse, the marriage must have been in deep trouble beforehand.

 

For two years before my marriage ended, I knew it was in trouble. My husband picked arguments and distanced himself, physically and emotionally, from me. I was walking on eggshells to try to prevent rows.

 

When the axe fell, it was desperately painful. But it also meant I could at last start to heal.

 

And surprisingly, even though he left me, I picked myself up more quickly. I had a very strong network of friends and family, and of course the children stayed with me.

 

My husband immediately moved in with the woman with whom he’d been having an affair. I dated, but was in no hurry to yield wardrobe space to another man. I revelled in my new freedom and unaccountability – not to mention not having to pick up wet towels or watch Top Gear.

 

Women are generally far more adaptable than men. Until recently, our fates were entirely in the hands of our menfolk, and so we had to learn to be flexible and make the best of whichever draughty cave or castle we were dragged to.

 

Men, on the other hand, are brought up to believe they have a divine right to be taken care of. They may play at being single for a while, but once they’re used to wifely cosseting, it’s hard for them to go back to doing their own laundry and remembering people’s birthdays.

 

When women finally commit to a new relationship, they take with them what they’ve learned from their failed marriage and determine not to make the same mistakes.

 

They’re often more assertive the second time around, and more realistic in their expectations.

 

Essentially, divorce allowed me to be myself again. I realised how much I’d pretended to be someone I wasn’t to make him happy, and how unhappy that had made me. I resolved that next time, I’d make compromises, certainly, but not about who and what I was.

 

No-one wants to be divorced, but sometimes it takes a cataclysmic change in your life to set it on course again. The key is to never look back.